UK judge with military background joins local bench
(CNS): Governor Jane Owen has appointed Justice Emma Peters to the Cayman Islands Grand Court based on the recommendation of the Judicial and Legal Services Commission (JLSC), which conducted an open recruitment process last summer. The job was advertised locally and internationally and, following a rigorous shortlisting process, an interview panel evaluated five candidates before choosing Peters for the role.
“Her extensive experience will further strengthen the high calibre of our judiciary,” the governor said about the new judge. Justice Peters was officially sworn in on Thursday, 13 February, and commenced her role as a Grand Court Judge on 17 February.
Peters has presided over the full range of criminal cases during her 15 years as a full-time judge, but she has an unusual background for Cayman, haivng spent much of her legal career in military-related courts. She was most recently a circuit judge for Ipswich and Chelmsford Crown Courts. Before that she was an assistant judge advocate general at the UK Military Court Centre in Germany and at the Colchester Military Court Centre in the UK.
Before being appointed to the bench, Justice Peters was legal chairman of the Pensions Appeal Tribunal for Scotland, and a barrister and army legal services officer (lieutenant colonel) for the British Army. She became an accredited mediator in 2004. She was called to the Bar at Lincoln’s Inn, London, in 1991 and was elected as a bencher of Lincoln’s Inn in 2021.
Chief Justice Margaret Ramsay-Hale welcomed the appointment, stating that Peters’ strong background in the criminal courts will be a valuable asset to the Cayman Islands Judiciary, and she looked forward to working with her.
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Category: Courts
CLASSIFIED DISPATCH – AMBASSADORIAL PRIORITY: URGENT
FROM: The Secretary to the Ambassador of Absurdistan
TO: All Concerned Officials and Connoisseurs of Bureaucratic Disaster
SUBJECT: THE UNTHINKABLE HAS HAPPENED—SOMEONE WITH ACTUAL DISCIPLINE HAS ARRIVED
TO ALL CITIZENS OF ABSURDISTAN, I BRING GRAVE NEWS.
A structural anomaly has been introduced into the carefully cultivated chaos of Caymanmunda. For decades, we have relied upon the finely tuned, free-wheeling unpredictability of governance, ensuring that no single decision was made with clarity, consistency, or any discernible sense of logic.
And yet, a force of sheer order approaches.
A judge. But not just any judge. A military judge.
• One who understands the value of discipline.
• One who recognizes the importance of law being more than a set of vague suggestions.
• One who, by all accounts, may refuse to step back in the face of arbitrary enforcement.
THIS IS AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
ALL PROJECTS OF ABSURDISTANI INFLUENCE ON THE ISLAND ARE FACING AN EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT THREAT!
THE THREAT LEVEL: EXTREME
Our operatives have confirmed that this Justice Emma Peters, previously of the British Army’s legal service, has been inserted directly into our judiciary. We had carefully designed the legal landscape of Caymanmunda to be one of elastic interpretations, ad hoc rulings, and backroom negotiations over cocktails.
But now?
We may have a functioning judicial element in our midst.
WHAT THIS COULD MEAN FOR ABSURDISTANI OPERATIONS IN CAYMANMUNDA
1. Arbitrary Enforcement May Face… Accountability?!
• For years, our bureaucratic agents have weaponized vagueness, ensuring that laws could be enforced selectively, depending on convenience or social status.
• But a judge with military discipline? She might actually demand consistency.
• The horror.
2. Judicial Inertia Could Be Compromised
• Caymanmunda’s legal tradition thrives on sloth, where cases meander through the system like a sleepy turtle on a broken treadmill.
• But with this new introduction, verdicts might actually… move forward? On time?!
• If we do not act swiftly, we may be forced to contend with the ramifications of a functioning judiciary.
3. Could She… Resist Political Influence?!
• The time-honored tradition of policy being shaped by whispered deals in the shadows of a yacht club?
• At risk.
• The possibility of a legal professional who adheres to principle rather than influence?
• This is a direct threat to the Absurdistani model of governance.
OUR RESPONSE PLAN: DAMAGE CONTROL
Our diplomatic task force is already mobilizing strategies to contain the disruption. Possible approaches include:
• Bureaucratic Drowning – Can we overwhelm the judge with so much nonsensical red tape that no actual verdicts are ever reached?
• Procedural Fogging – Ensure that every case is so convoluted, contradictory, and riddled with “necessary clarifications” that forward momentum becomes impossible.
• Cultural Gaslighting – Convince the populace that nothing has changed and that the introduction of a military judge does not mean that laws might actually be enforced.
If all else fails, we may need to summon an emergency committee to “investigate” judicial reform. This will, of course, never conclude, never make recommendations, and exist purely to waste time.
FINAL WARNING: MAINTAIN CHAOS AT ALL COSTS
Absurdistan’s legacy in Caymanmunda is one of glorious unpredictability—a place where:
• Laws apply only when convenient.
• Public accountability is a fantasy.
• And reality bends to the will of those who shout the loudest.
The appointment of a serious legal professional is an unprecedented crisis.
We must act decisively, creatively, and with our signature brand of bureaucratic nonsense.
STAY VIGILANT.
More reports to follow, assuming this dispatch doesn’t get lost in procedural limbo.
– The Secretary to the Ambassador of Absurdistan
(Currently barricaded in a well-fortified office, located in a garrison constituency,surrounded by stacks of useless policy memos, desperately hoping this nightmare ends before judicial efficiency takes hold.)
P.S: The Absurdistan and Caymanmunda are purely fictional countries as well as The Secretary to The Ambassador of Absurdistan or … (are they ?)
Dear Secretary of the Ambassador of Absurdistan
This is another classic…not everyone will get it but those of us that do applaud the brilliance!
Keep em coming…
Best regards
Johann Moxam
Hope she’s not a softie like our Jacan magistrates!
It’s noteworthy that they’re only soft to other Jamaicans, yet seem almost gleeful whenever they get to stick another Caymanian in Northward for a lil draw of weed.
Hopefully we can get some sort of uniformity and they will ensure that all criminals, homegrown and imported, are treated equally.
No. Imported need to be deported (upon conclusion of sentence).
Why does Cayman have so many trials with juries?
This is something I’ve always wondered myself. Can anybody shed some light please?
Great.
Now can:
The Police apply something other than Jamaican standards of acceptable behaviour to the public
The Legal Department something other than Trinidadian levels of expedition and efficiency
And
The DPP something over than Californian levels of enforcement.
This is really needed, what with all the criminals being close relatives of business people and/or politicians and civil services.
Nothing more terrifying than a British woman. No nonsense, hard, disciplined. Perfect that she’s here.
Just like the governor and the hostile environment she has created for criminals.
Need more of her.
Can she bring along some proper rozzers?